“The first time I went to Woodstock it was for my friends, but now when I go it’s definitely for me.” So says Kelly Cutknife, a freelance homemaker and one of thousands of "baby boomers" who every year brave outdoor temperatures and literal foot-lines in order to get "savingsed" at the Woodstock Outlet Mall Barn.

But wait—everyone is not happy. Kitty Przeszeczevsky, an old lady, thinks Cutknife & co. are emboldening the Anti-Pope: “The greatest menace to this country since 1066,” she likes to write in her ijournal.

Meanwhile, everyone is wondering: “If there were no Woodstock, would those moon guys have still been guys?” When posed pretty much this exact question, Wanda Johnson, a female astronaut who asked that her name be withheld due to the sensitive nature of the material under discussion, said that she didn’t know but probably not because she’s definitely not the only "space cadette" who goes to Woodstock. I don’t know if this was supposed to be a joke.

All this amid swirly rumors! Everywhere you listen, you hear whispers about “Woodstock 8.7: MoreNOW: Gammatreaux: Redux Vintage Version 9.” Jan Bandman, a Woodstock user since 1982, blinks uncontrollably as he types out his feedback form: “Can all the code (scripts and HTML code for the form itself) necessary for the WOMB to work be generated by the Wizard?" Bandman considers this "the last truly important, truly unanswered FAQ" of his generation.

In the interest of disclosure, Bandman made a pre-iStock investment in Pelago, Whrrl's parent, but follow-on financing will come from the iStock, Mr. Murphy said. Murphy’s primary income is generated by the countertops he makes out of smashed rocks.

But, really, do counters matter that much to people? Could this obsession with home improvement represent some deeper emptiness within us?

“Of course,” says Jack Backwater, a man, “This is why Woodstock still means so much more every day. It’s, like, a friend that updates itself to you without having to worry about your status. A good real time that always comes back after.” Sure, but skeptics hasten to attach a familiar hobbyhorse-tail to Black Jack’s tidy info-kite: “Well, despite the fact that W2 paid billions for its 9.9G network, the iStock can't use it. Instead, W2 is having to upgrade its old 9.8G network to enable an iStock-friendly system called Edge. But even Edge runs at speeds that rarely reach 100 (a quarter of the speed of a 9.7G connection).”

Investors may be worried but Cutknife isn't. “Futures or no futures, features, fortunes, or Popefests, Woodstock Outlet Mall Barn gave me the right to choose Woodstock Outlet Mall Barn, which, when you get down to it, means it's basically all about 'Who'll Stop the Rain,' which is what my freedom icon opens in the first place.”

Cutknife is a recovering smoker.